


☆☹ hold my hand ☹☆

by softjackbum



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Crying, Death, Gay, M/M, Marriage, Phan - Freeform, Sad, Some Fluff, Suicide, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 16:11:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10700499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softjackbum/pseuds/softjackbum
Summary: ☹au from tumblr☹phil holds dan's hand every night as he goes to sleep. before dan would drift off, phil would tell him to promise him he'd wake up the next morning.dan always did.except for this time. blood is splattered across his white button-up, the red crimson dribbling out of the tight clasp of his and phil's shaking hands. "hold my hand, 'cause i'm falling asleep."♥ 2009, 2012, 2014, 2017, 2022. ♥☹[lowercase intended]☹





	☆☹ hold my hand ☹☆

***WARNING*** THIS HAS MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH AND BLOOD. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK AND FEEL FREE TO TALK TO ME AT ANY TIME ♥

☹☹☹

"phil, i'm going to bed." dan said tiredly, followed by a long yawn. it was about 3 in the morning, and dan had been cuddling with his new boyfriend phil since about 1am. he lifted himself from the couch, heading towards bed. **_the year of 2009._**

"i'll come with you."

dan stopped and turned around, staring back at phil as he waited for him to catch up to his position in the hallway. once phil was standing right beside him, dan shyly held his soft hand out for phil to hold. phil let a small smile play on his lips, before grasping his hand tightly in his and heading to the bedroom. the sound of their footsteps were loud and echoey. 

the creaking of the door was prominent as both of them walked into the room. as they approached the bed, phil went to go unlatch their hands, but dan didn't allow such a thing. "no."

phil giggled. "dan, you have to--"

"NO." dan said sternly, raising his voice. phil had no chance now, dan's iron grip had captured his hand completely. "well, we'll just climb on really carefully, okay? i'm not letting you go dan." phil proposed, smiling. dan nodded, blushing softly. they climbed on, fingers still intertwined somehow. they kissed and giggled as they climbed under the covers. 

when they finally settled down, dan sighed. "hold my hand till I fall asleep." dan said, more-so telling him to rather than asking him. phil just nodded, leaning in to kiss him softly. dan kissed back, moving his head gently into it. the tender and sweet kiss lasted for 6 long minutes, before dan broke it off and stared into phil's gorgeous blues. "you're so pretty, you know that phil? even when you're old and grey, unable to move, i'll be with you. i'll never give up the wonderful, calming and joyous feeling you give me. ever." dan murmured, meaning every word. phil nearly cried right there and then. "you know the same is true for you. you're pretty personality, your eyes, your crazy hair in the morning, your smile, your soft and gentle blush.. i'd never give any of it up for the world."

before dan fell asleep, phil spoke up. 

_"promise me you'll wake up tomorrow?"_

_"promise."_

every night until april 22, 2012, phil held dan's hand until he fell asleep.

☹****☹

phil had been on edge all night, and it was worrying dan. he had been reminding phil that he loved him to help him feel better, but every time he did phil flinched or gulped in discomfort.

"i love you so much, you know?"

this time, he'd had enough.

"god dammit, stop it dan!" phil snapped.

dan stopped in his tracks. "what?" he asked cluelessly. 

"stop telling me you love me! it hurts. it's not true. you don't love me." phil nearly screamed at first, fading into broken whispers at the end. seeing phil like this, seeing phil _think_ that hurt dan in more ways than in one. his eyes were burning. **_the year of 2012._**

"phil- what?? phil i love you more than anything, how could you even think that i don't--"

"if you love me then why are we still lying to everyone? why are we still telling everyone we're best friends? why aren't we honest? dan, it's been 3 years. i can't do this anymore. we're liars. we're dishonest people." phil exasperated, gasping for air. the feeling of discomfort was very prominently hanging in the spring air. 

"phil.."

"no. stop. don't say my name."

dan felt two tears roll down his cheeks. it all happened so quickly.

"dan, i'm not dating a dishonest person. not now, not ever. we're-" phil croaked, his watery eyes finally giving in, flushing his face with tears.

before he could finish, dan ran to the bathroom. he didn't want to hear it. he slammed the door, the wood hitting the wall harshly, causing a loud and aggressive slamming noise to erupt from his actions. 

"you're not good enough. you're not. you never will be."

and that night, phil didn't hold his hand. he didn't hold it once for another 2 years.

_"i don't wanna wake up tomorrow."_

☹****☹

april 22 2014. exactly two years since dan and phil broke up.

no one had any idea that they broke up, because they never got the chance to tell anyone that they were in a romantic relationship. it was lies and scars and flesh and blood. nothing the two wanted. they wanted so badly to repair what they once had, but neither of them even knew what that was anymore. what was it like to love one another without the fear of rejection? they both loved each other beyond comprehension, so why was it still a secret to one another?

"dan, i need to talk to you."

the words struck fear in dan's heart. _what did that mean?_

"uh- yeah, be there in a second phil."

phil was in the lounge of their flat, sitting nervously as he bit his nails. dan was in the bathroom, looking at his wrecked and sad face in the mirror, biting his nails. he was all too aware of the fact this this exact day two years ago, phil had broken up with him. dan took a deep, long breath before retreating from the bathroom and heading to the lounge. he saw phil all nervous and restless, causing confusion to wash over dan. _what's he so nervous about?_

he sat down across from phil, scared to get too close to him. 

phil took a deep breath, before locking eyes with dan. dan's breath hitched, before he mentally prepared himself for phil to tell him that he wanted to move out with him, or that he hated him, as he was prepared for every other time phil actually spoke to him.

phil gazed longingly. then he spoke.

"dan, i know i'm too late. i'm way too late for any of this, but i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i promise you that from the bottom of my heart, i'm sorry. you've made me so happy through the years, until i ruined it. i fucked you up. i made you sad. every day, you fear me. it's my fault. you don't deserve me. you deserve all the more subscribers you have. i was paranoid, so i took it out on you. i was worried i wasn't good enough for someone as magnificent as you, that i wasn't smart enough or pretty enough. that i wasn't a good boyfriend. i got confirmation that i was good enough every day, but the more you said it the less i believed it. i don't hate you- god no, **never.** i hate myself for all of this. dan, from the bottom of my broken heart, i'm sorry."

phil had his head hung low, broken sobs ringing from his dry throat. 

"took you long enough." dan muttered.

phil expected to look up and see dan scoffing and sneering at him. he expected him to be unaccepting and hurtful. but he was..

_smiling?_

phil's eyes widened. "what?"

"phil, you have no idea how long i've been waiting to hear that." dan said softly, tears rolling down his cheeks.

phil cracked a smile, his blue eyes glistening in the dim light. and there it was. dan was done for. he had his old phil back. the phil that loved him and held him, that rubbed his hand as he fell asleep. the phil that the loved to no end. **_ahh, the year of 2014._**

"i love you." dan mercilessly said, not caring how stupid he sounded.

"i love you too.

and we don't have to tell anyone until you're ready."

and that night on, phil held dan's hand until he fell asleep.

_"promise me you'll wake up tomorrow?"_

_dan smiled deeply, nodding. "promise."_

☹****☹

**2017.**

dan was ready. so was phil. 

april 22, 2017. the day is was all released.

the camera was all set up, propped up in front of them neatly.

"hey guys!"

"hello internet!"

normal banter rang out, until 2 minutes into the video when the real thing started.

"me and phil have been waiting to tell you this for a very long time. we uh.." dan spoke gently, trying to muster up the courage to say what he was thinking.

"we love each other." phil finished, smiling at dan.

dan blushed deeply, and nodded in agreement. "so much." **_the year of 2017._**

when the video ended, the happiness only grew between them. they'd done it. they'd finally done it, and it was real. they loved each other so deeply it was nearly painful, yet there was no pain anywhere.

now every april 22 is celebrated between everyone in the phandom. 2017 was the best year of their lives. everyone was excepting.

and as for that night, phil held his hand tighter than ever. they accomplished the completion of their hardest challenge. and the positive feedback was overwhelming.

they laid under the duvet, kissing and bumping noses. oh, and they were holding hands. "we've done it."

dan nodded at phil. "we did, and i love you so much."

"i love you too."

"mmm..."

"dan?"

"yeah?"

_"promise me you'll wake up tomorrow."_

_dan's eyes crinkled, his blush somehow standing out in the nearly pitch black of the room. "promise, phil. promise."_

☹****☹ 

the time was now. the time where phil would look into dan's eyes and promise his lover that he was his forever, and where dan would do the same. and most importantly to him, the time when daniel james howell would become daniel james lester. 

the priest was reading through some random crap that neither of them cared about. they both had silly shit-eating grins spread across on their faces as they stared into each others eyes lovingly. they couldn't stop giggling and rubbing each others hands as they held them together, interlocked and shaking excitedly. they were so fucking in love and no one even expected it. everyone in their seats were in awe at how much they loved each other. it was so apparent and obvious that they couldn't contain their overwhelming love for each other it was sickeningly cute. the year of 2022. 

_"philip, do you take Daniel James Howell, to be your lawfully wedded husband?"_

_phil looked at dan with so much love he could have burst. "I do."_

_"and daniel, do you take Philip Michael Lester as your lawfully wedded husband?"_

_"I do."_

_"you may kiss the--"_

but they were already leaping on eachother, soft lips smushed together in pure love and admiration. "I will love you forever." 

_"promise?"_

now it was phil's turn to promise. "i promise." 

♥♥♥ 

they laid in bed that night, kissing and giggling just like 2009. the first night phil held hand dan's to sleep, which became their special thing. every single night dan promised phil that he was going to wake up the next morning as phil held his hand. and that night was supposedly no different. 

until a few knocks were placed upon their door. "i'll get it love." dan muttered, kissing phil longingly, savouring the taste of his husbands lips before retreating from their bedroom that used to be phil's. 

he opened the door. 

_a loud scream rang out. phil bolted up, running to the door._

_a gunshot. the sound of running footsteps._

_phil stopped. no. nonononono. no this was not happening. his baby dan. his beautiful husband dan. _please, he has to be alive.__

_he ran to the front door._

_there was dan, choking and nearly dead, bleeding out as a large hole from a gunshot sat through his chest._

_someone had shot him._

_**"DAN!!!"** phil screamed, hot tears rushing down his face as he tripped down onto his knees beside dan._

_he did the only thing he knew how to do._

_**_he held his hand._ ** _

_"dan please, i love you, don't die on me baby, i love you too much.." phil rambled, rocking back and forth with dan's bloodied hand in his._

_"i'm calling the police," he announced, leaving dan's hand and pulling his phone out of his pocket._

__911._ he dialed._

_"phil.."_

_phil jumped. "dan, you're alive--"_

_"phil, don't bother calling 911. i'm dying. spend my last minutes with me." dan croaked out, somehow still speaking._

_phil's tears didn't stop. he was screaming, sobbing, nearly to the point of insanity._

_"phil, calm down, i'm here now." dan murmured softly, although it wasn't for long he'd be with phil._

_phil sniffled. these were his last minutes, possibly seconds with dan. "dan.. i love you."_

_"i love you too, phil. more than you'll ever know. you mean the world to me."_

_sobs were wracked out from phil's chest. "d-do you remember the time when we first met at the train station?" phil reminisced._

_dan nodded faintly, a small smile on his lips._

_"remember when i told you i loved you in the snow?"_

_dan nodded again, the smile growing._

_"when i kissed you on the manchester eye?" dan smiled, trying to hold phil's hand, but phil didn't catch on._

_phil nodded._

_"back in 2009. i'll never forget." they both said in unison._

_silence._

_"phil.."_

_phil looked him in the eyes. his brown orbs were draining of life, and he knew that there was no chance in saving him. he denied it nonetheless.  
_"hold my hand, because i'm falling asleep."_ _

__

_and he knew what he meant._

__

_phil grasped it, holding it with the intent of never letting it go. ever. "dan please, promise me you'll wake up tomorrow."_

__

_dan didn't say anything._

__

_"i love you phil."_

__

_"dan!"_

__

_"goodbye."_

__

_"i love you too!"_

__

_but the life was gone._

__

_but somehow, dan nodded. and phil knew what he had to do._

__

_"do it." dan said. he didn't actually say anything; he was dead. but he could hear him saying it._

__

_phil climbed upstairs, holding dan's body in his arms bridal style. he climbed to the top floor of their flat. he opened the window, before climbing on the windowsill with dan still in his arms._

__

_"fly with me angel, then we'll both wake up together."_

__

_phil squeezed his hand one more time._

__

_"i love you."_

__

_he jumped._

__

_☹****☹_

__

__april 22nd, 2012. the day they broke up. april 22nd, 2014. the day they got back together. april 22nd 2017. the day they came out. april 22nd 2022. the day they got married. the day they both died._ _

__

__

_life is precious, but not without the one you love._

__

__

_☹♥☹ the end._

__


End file.
